how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS