People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Thursday Thought.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The only good comments section online is on recipes
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.