Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
This checks out
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it