Cat is stressing him out.
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
craving $300 all of a sudden
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’ve been drinking.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310