Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.