[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.