[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.