[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented