*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
$4 #usedbooks
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.