Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.