Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.