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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Spring cleaning checklist…
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?