Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You Might Also Like
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
mom had nothing to worry about
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this