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“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.