Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*