[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?