Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.