Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
A Short Story.
I wish this was real life…
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.