your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Stop being racist to kettles.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.