watergate? u mean a dam??
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
giddy up Office Depot
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”