Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more