My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
⛄️
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille