Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”