Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day