“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]