I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
You Might Also Like
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that