Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
emergency phone
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets