I love the National Park Service.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect