“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
That’s not how days work.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*