elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.