her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.