Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠