me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
saving face 👀
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.