fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE