When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Uh oh…
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Breaking news:
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.