ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
You Might Also Like
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU