Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
im all 3
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”