[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Somebody’s lying.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.