google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve