Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Found out my s褨ster ate my leftovers wh褨le 袉 was at work, now 袉鈥檓 star褨ng out the w褨ndow l褨ke 袉鈥檓 褨n a sad early 2000鈥檚 mus褨c v褨deo.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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How dude HOW?!
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone鈥檚 hallway floor fighting for my life as they鈥檙e trying to say goodbye to me
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
earth: I鈥檓 dying
humans: I鈥檓 sorry you feel that way
me, after any kind of buffet.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of J盲germeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..