One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…