God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”