Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?