When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
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Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
car not found
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
crochet youtube is brutal