My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Plant care tips
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Quadruple digit IQ
I’m calling the cops.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.