ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
President The Rock Obama
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I gotta go grocery shopping. I鈥檓 the only snack left in the house.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don鈥檛 have those in Narnia.