It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
decorating my apartment
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}