4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.