My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*