VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You Might Also Like
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me, in DM rooms…
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
j o i m p